Archive for July, 2008

thesis craze ii

July 29, 2008 at 10:41 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged

if i were to talk about things like what happened today, i would end up saying i’m tired. so, i’ll flush that idea out. and if i were to start this by talking about the thesis proposal i’ve been thinking about the past sleepless nights, same thing, i’ll end up saying, i’m tired.

but then again, this is not about how tired i am. this is about the kind of spur that whips me into going. into going. i think i need that. this kind of madness this time. 

this is not fiction. i was here tapping the keyboard. and believe it or not, i am somewhere now. under the sun–under the sun as its light trembles unto my skin, as i dream of summer with eyes wide awake.

supposing i am somewhere now, this, this, these words would fly.

<say it! say it! say it like you want to get rid of it so badly! say it like it’s a bad word!>

Comments (1)

questions on questions

July 27, 2008 at 3:52 pm · Filed under evilmeansunflora

*questionnaire, from friendster’s bulletin board

1. What do you think of ligaw?
.what do u think of me? <that should be the question in the first place!>

2. Do you believe that friends can be lovers, but lovers can never be friends?
.are lovers also friends?

3. Do you believe that you can learn to love someone kahit hindi mo talaga sya mahal?
. is loving something one should learn? like counting and reading?

4. What is your ideal partner?
. do u mean ideal with the capital i?

5. Have you met your soulmate?
. did it scare me?

6. Is it true na ang love nawawala o nababawasan lang?
. pati ba ang love may dagdag bawas na rin?

7. Have you really let go of someone?
. why, is it about possessing someone?

8.Are you always serious when it comes to relationships?
. is smiling allowed?

9. Which one do you prefer, friendship or relationships?
. what if i don’t have a choice?

11. Why?
. why not?

12. Have you fallen in love with your best friend?
. do i have a best friend to fall in love with?

13. Have you fallen in love with someone you regret on loving?
. have i been in love to start with?

14. If yes, why do you regret?
. if not, what’s the point?

15.Are you in a serious/fling relationship right now or just a single?
.what’s with the slash between serious and fling? does that mean they can’t be together forever?

16.Are you a player?
. what’s the game?

17. Are you serious with your relationship?
. can i try?

18. Are you a martyr?
. will you make me a statue?

19. Do you believe in marriage first before living in or vice-versa?
. do i ever, actually, believe in anything?

20.Why?
. should it have been, how?

21.Do you look ahead to your future or do you look behind to your past?
. are you sure? <pag-sure!>

22. Why do you think most relationships don’t last?
. should it have been, why it lasts?

 23. Do you really think love can conquer all?
. what is there to conquer, babe?

Leave a Comment

fiction1: 6pm jeepney-ride to mintal

July 26, 2008 at 12:03 am · Filed under the lover ·Tagged

i don’t see your face anymore. i try to recall the way you turn from the corner, the way your arms dangle when you walk. i imagine you and i fake  it. i try so hard and i fake it. i notice, i fake it.

you, breathing behind my ear. you, rubbing my back. your eyebrow, gentle on my cheek. my hand in your hand. your arms, wrapping me. (i am fragile.)

i fake it. i try to recall your face, boy, so hard that i fake it. i can’t remember your face, how you look. your eyes, your nose, your mouth. i try so hard to recall that i fake it.

but i do remember, you, breathing behind my ear. your hands, tight on my shoulders. you,rubbing my back. your eyebrow, gentle on my cheek. my hand in your hand. your arms, wrapping me. these i remember.

it is true then, that “the skin has its own memory”, and that i won’t really know if you ever exist with a face.

Leave a Comment

to my brother

July 19, 2008 at 12:35 am · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged ,

first, there is only ONE thing, that it is Difficult. (but as supposed to TWO things, because there has always been, the Other, is idle). 

i just do not know if i will be able to tell you this in our lifetime, though i really hope i can, i really do, that more than anything else, i just want you to be happy.

Leave a Comment

a prayer, way, way before sleep

July 16, 2008 at 12:26 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged ,

<this is a warm-up for my paper spree>
…and wasting time, that too, to reach my pressure point. in times like this, why oh why cramming is such a deadly sin i keep on doing? who’s guilty now?
and to arrange my thoughts for my paper in pop lit, this will be my tough rough draft (a lame alliteration here).
the question was: what do you think is your generation’s popular artifact? my answer: the text message or cellular phone in general (oh i’m gonna have to argue over that until i can clear the gap, if any. sure there is. because if there’s none, why are they not spelled the same? duh, joke joke joke!)
why and how and what else can i say should fill-up three pages (and make up for two consecutive absences in class). so…first, i’m gonna have to argue that–to be simply referred to as “a generation”, there must be a unifying element to identify that particular generation from another.
then, i will have to say that “that element” should be the “popular artifact” that distinguishes the generation. and that the generation should be consuming the artifact massively. right? so, that’s the birth of the kitikitext generation. (oh, was it too fast? twas supposed to be nine months in the making! just kidding!)
then, maybe i can mention, or i should state there the particular time that artifact was introduced to the society and how the society reacted to it. and how it became the representative artifact that will epitomize the generation (like flowers and all and ultra magnetic magic spells). and pray, pray hard that it will cover up three pages. most of all, it must make sense. and more than most of everything and all, it should make up for my academic sins (which are immoral against my parents and grandparents, and to my uncle who pays me to study).
*cries*
*faints*
*fixes herself, sits up straight*
and that i will have to kill myself after that because i am not sure if sir john will accept an over due paper. (and if he could forgive me from running away when he saw me at school, loitering, during those days when i did not attend his class).
amen.

Leave a Comment

post teenage blues

July 15, 2008 at 4:55 pm · Filed under Uncategorized ·Tagged

the whole time these days i have been having a real hard time sleeping, coping up with my academic responsibilities, forgetting to eat meals, talking when i am not supposed to, mismatching clothes (either i am under-dressed or over-dressed), consuming more caffeine than ever, confusing grey and brown, etc.

i have been trying to finish an over-due, three-page paper for pop lit for days already. i can’t seem to move on with my first paragraph, composing only two, long, run-on sentences. i have been hiding (yet caught) from teachers i owe something to. 

i feel dizzy, even nauseated, when i am in my fiction and poetry classes. i dream of a world outside in wee, in la-la-la-la-la.

i go out and because haggard is hip and sure there’s nothing new under the sun except you and me and because fiction is more demanding than reality, the caterpillar won’t be able to walk if it knows it has many legs ( jam packed lines from camille paglia, richard braughtigan, tim montes and r.m de ungria)  

i still do not have a concept for my thesis. i don’t even have a concept of my life for heaven-sake!

suddenly i am not sure if i can write. i am not sure if i locked the gate. i am not sure if i already fed the fish. i am not sure if i still like milk. i am not sure i can make it to my dentist tomorrow. i am not sure if i can sleep tonight, i am not sure if i can finish my essay. i am not sure if i am drunk. i am not sure if i’ll finish the school year. i am not sure if i want to, or need to.

this is probably the weirdest feeling i have ever felt. i see twenty–big time, scaring the shit out of me. big time, babe. big time for a big fish.

Leave a Comment

thesis craze

July 9, 2008 at 3:44 am · Filed under Uncategorized

i am going crazy…

my lola’s prediction is right. i should have knocked on wood three times.

Leave a Comment